Little Victories

I have been tired today in a way that makes me bone weary. Sluggishly I have managed to cook dinner, fold laundry and pick up and deal with Sam. I even took a 20 min walk with Tony. And I am TIRED. It is the fatigue that is killing me. I lay down to rest and get up feeling no better. I wish I could SLEEP and wake up and think to myself, "AHHHHH that is what good sleep must feel like."  Even on the B12, I am not feeling much change in my sleeping.

I had the EEG this week which didn't help the sleeping as they made me stay up and get only four hours of sleep before the test. I tried to schedule the last test my neurologist needs today and spent an hour on the phone before my weariness forced me to admit defeat and lay down before I had to go get Sam from school.

That being said I weighed in at 184 today and put on a size 14 for the first time in months. It was nice to feel that my body is getting back to the way it was before my spiral down to complete dis-ease. I went to the grocery store and promptly forgot why I went. If Sam hadn't been with me I don't know that I would have remembered. We got home and he helped me inside. I hate seeing the look of concern on his face and it was what motivated me to rest for about a half hour and then make his dinner. I am determined to be as strong for him as I can.

My other small victory is that I am coming under my Fat limit every day but my carbohydrates are nearly always over. I am trying and I feel like the fat is more important than the carbs.

Alice sat on my feet most of the day another sure sign that something in my body is noticeably off today.

The other thing I found out a few days ago, was that I was taking the wrong medications. Tony and I have decided that he is going to have to fill my box until my mind is better so that it doesn't happen again. It was likely why I was so depressed when I wrote last. Today it isn't depression that is my battle, it truly is the fatigue. If I could only rest, deeply, soundly, then I am almost certain my mind would come back to me.

Feeling meh

I am feeling meh. It's something someone on line says all the time meaning not bad, not good just meh. I am tired. I am sooo tired of being tired. I am also having my moon time which doesn't help. I am worried about my son. Really, really worried that my husband's home is seeming like the "fun" place and my home is the sick and strict place. I would like neither distinction.

I do think the B12 therapy is helping. My head seems clearer like a fog is lifting. Which is kind of nice, unfortunately, I am finding that I battle these same demons in my un-fogged brain. I read some posts I wrote and I have no recollection of writing them which is disturbing. So I took them down. I have a constant feeling of not being enough. I am not enough of a mother to keep Sam here - doing what he needs to do to be healthy and successful. I am not enough of a person to contribute to society in any tangible way that is productive. I was not enough of a daughter to be worthy of no abuse, verbal, physical or otherwise. I am not enough sick to warrant a real diagnosis.  I am not enough sane so I must be a hypochondriac. I am not enough cool to find people to chat to, because my brain is not enough functioning to actually really carry on a conversation.

The only non meh thing is I am loosing weight steadily, a few ounces everyday. I am scared tomorrow they aren't going to find anything wrong with my brain and that I will be back to feeling like I could do something about being sick if  my brain was just strong enough or if I had more resolve or if I did something I don't even know to do....

I know that lots of this is the hormones. I know it will pass and yet, is it?

How much longer will I live with the question in the back of my mind, "Am I really just crazy?"

In the Tornado's Center

Nearly a year ago now, I got very sick. They removed my gallbladder and then my appendix or it might have been the other way around. Over the past year I have lost my job, my mind and even some of my mental and physical abilities. No one could tell me why.

Then my doctor said, in passing, "You've never had your cholesterol checked." That innocent enough statement lead to the test which lead to another test which is leading to more tests. My cholesterol was bad, really, really, really bad.

Jokingly I told my sister today that I didn't wake up one morning and think to myself, "I know what I will do. I will risk my heart and my brain - literally - by stuffing myself so full of fat that they won't be able to measure it." Yet, in a sense, not meaning to didn't stop the result from occurring.

I wasn't over weight.

I was active before I got ill.

My doctors, I think, wanted to resurrect the diagnosis of Hysteria.

All that time, I was eating without concern for what my intake may do to my body on down the line.

Well, I am in it now. The center of the tornado named Chaos. Where questions about my current health and future health hang in the balance. Where questions of the affects of my current and future health on my very way of life hang in the balance. All the while I struggle with memory loss, confusion and disorientation while I worry about my husband working overtime to pay for my medical bills.

Maybe I am crazy. I don't think so. But I invite you to do two things: take this journey with me AND get your cholesterol checked immediately.

LMNC